i need helps

I’ve been holding this feeling for so long, keep telling myself everything gonna be okay, keep telling myself one day I finally get out of that life that I just live because I need to. I just want everyone, every human in my life just to be okay, meanwhile, those feelings eat me up inside, I'm in pain, the pain gets worst every time I feel I’m not okay. The cry getting louder every time I cry, the feeling getting explode sometimes and I can't control, my kids saw me sometimes and they get scared, I’m not hurting anyone but I start trow things, smashing things, the last things I do before I get out of that house, I took a long knife and stab it on the bed over and over again.

I’m so sorry my baby, I didn't want you to see any of that, but you feel pain, and ibu can't control that. The stress that ibu had was so much pain and if ibu could, ibu just want to stab my own heart so I could take away that pain. Sorry if ibu forget that all of you are around me and you get scared. Ibu didn't mean to be like that. That's the most thing ibu regret after it happens.

I just need help.

Whenever I feel that I just need warm hugs, that ease my feelings, someone that says to me everything will be alright. I still remember, one day when I was really in a bad condition, I’ve looked at the door, and scream out, crying out loud to take away the pain, and my little brother mukmin, climb the window and come and hug me, I feel easy when I hear he said, " its okay kmira, min ade nie". Just like that, the crying stops, those warm hugs fix me. Nothing else I need I guess.

I just want to be better.

That is what I wish every day, I just want to smile live happily as others do. But I couldn't do that in that life. In that house with you anymore. You hurt me a lot with all the promises you have made. You hurt me a lot with all the obstacles I need to face meanwhile, you are not fully working hard as I’m to make our life better. That's sad to just live, I’m sorry that is never enough for me because I’m a dreamer, I dream of lots of achievement, lots of wishes, lots of work hard and enjoying life. I’m sorry if I'm not an ordinary person that just lives and ve thankful for what we have and just lives the same life every day. Sometimes I feel like you hardly understand me day by day or you ignore who i' m. 

Just let me go.

Umira.